gorgan8

direct messages. dear bridget, i don't know what your talking about, all I ever say about you is that i love you, I'm staying away casue you don't care about me, and the fact is i don't think you ever did, at the beginning of the end, you said it was all you that you didn't know what you wanted, and no matter what you say, you used everything you could as an excuses to leave, i never had a problem with you going out with friends, or anything till it became all you did, leaving me alone and expecting me to not worry or not be upset when you ditched me. i worked hard trying to give you all i could and it wasn't good enough. and now you say i lie, or i make things up about you, all i ever say about you is how much i love you, how much i want you back and how your the only reason,I'm still here. I'm trying to move on but its hard when you send me notes with hoppyto me at work, or when were around each other and you slip and call me dear, or hun. what am i suposed to do. bridget. i never say anything about you that isn't the truth. i love you as much today as the day we said i do. But your not even you anymore. you used to come to me and tal. and you point fingers from hear say. if i believed every thing i hear, your Engaged, matt's living with you and all you ever say about me is bad, or degrading. i never lied to you! i never tried to undermined you. all i ever wanted was for you to do something with you life your career. i never asked you for anything but your love. and thats all i ever needed. that's why i woke up every day, that's why i worked as hard as i could. but you stopped communicating with me sleeping on the couch, ignoring me . i never once said i loved you with out meaning it bridget. never. and you say their just words butthey went not to me . it was everything to see you smile. Its sad that you say im evil, or im a monster. look at your self dear. you manipulated a lot of things from telling Emily that i was bad for her rep so she wouldn't date me, to saying you never truly knew me. you say we grew arapt, but it all happen in a month what about the day you said u used me to get up here and you don't need me any more. i made so many decisions that i gave into you because i knew together we could get through it. my only regret is that you stoped talking to me. that you stoped trying. i love you bridget. and i always will.sleep well, i hope you do, cause i haven't even slept in our bed sine you left.

all i ever had was faith in love and now im empty and faithless. i now know that any thing can happen try as you might to stop it or protect it. you taught me that, im so sorry angel.

So its love you can't forget.
but is it hurt you can't regret?
whispers in your eyes speak of pain
but theirs no reason for the shame
the loneliness we cant bare
but can we if we dare
its hard to warm a heart of stone
or hold a hand worked to the bone
with two heart shivering in the cold
when all they need is the other to hold
if only i could be the one to ease your pain
if you could only do the same
the worlds not so hard to bare
just as long as you are there
lost in things we think we truly know
but ill still stand as long as you never let me go

I stand like a pillar in darkness,
the earth trembling in fury around me
my mind burning at thoughts of love and loyalty
a bitter war between right and right
what feels and what is what can and cannot
A friend is a pillar, a vow unbroken, and meant to be leaned upon
and i fear that i have not been that friend
i found joy compassion and kindness
only to cause fear hate and misery
my friend i am sorry for feeling how i do
and for what happened because of it
forgive me forgive me forgive me
but this has not passed,my thoughts are frenzied
and again i am a pillar alone in the night
hands over my eyes, trembling, fearing loss, fearing gain
i was unsettled and empty till given breath, but at your expense
I am selfish, greedy, and loathsome
in a glance i would throw it all away for your happiness
and believe me, i tried
but my passions will not let me
i see new, i see hope and i can't let it pass
a lifetime of selflessness given way to selfishness
forgive me.

i giggled at a religous channel today. the topic music the targets a range of peoople labled as satanic this list involved lennon, santana , manson and eminem. i cracked at the point that they becan quoting songs but still taking thease songs out of context. the rough statement was more ... than content. the quoted songs were made to look horible linking the lyrics into statements like ... "the lyrics say ""there's no heaven"" and call for it's listeners to join ""the brotherhood.""" now this is just the idea that appeared through out the program. and granted most metal muscic say death devil and ectera but the religous spin and contexting say that i can go into the bible and get this from it:
an god said... to love and worship... false idols. and where i do agree that music talks to people but i believe that you have to have those fellings to relate,, were they say music tells people what to do, i feel that its that persons ideals theat are found in that music... for instance bridget and i listen to difernt music and shes never gon and killed any one becasue i played manson while we were cleaning .. instead i point out things that are said anad shes like " o...k .. never thought of it like that. what im saying is music speaks to people that are looking fo r relations .. to feel a connection to some one to relate their ideas with a icon .. and to that come the fools and idots the dumasses that mock you every day for wearing a trench coat( while you know that your long coat or duster are not even related to the cityfide symble of status)... till a few of their ilk shoot up a school. then every wanna be loner follows the new herd.

what is truth? the argument what if woman is truth, what if all man has done to seek and exsplain as absolute truth is the one thing under our noses, what if she is the end to all means then would love, true love could it then be the ultimate salvation. could it be that the rugged fit that is man and woman, is it devine adn evolutional ballance between frustration and desire

thoughts of the future bing an ill feeling to my flesh. this body is too damed weak to sustain this effort, and i wince to think failure. i love you but i feel all those i love are infected with my failure. i have been happy these past few months, but the count has begun and i feel lost, i feel like I'm losing myself and i feel as though im losing everyone else in my wake.. the future is upon me and it feels like i am unprepared , unable to choose and incapable to succeed , i was called the most depressing person in the world to day.. i took this as an insult as it was that person whom started telling me that with my life and work ill die by the age of thirty , she looks at death as an end to all the great things shes been given, but alas the few things I've been given seem to fall apart as i touch them, she feels sad that i accept death as a release form the strains of life and she thinks it hash of me to look longingly and laughingly at said release, with out considering the people i love , and the people who love me. i laugh because it is she who has been telling me that i need to be greedy for a change, she says that i am always pleasing other people and i find my joy in those i please,, be greedy she says, and i told her it would be a bad thing if i were to act greedy.. greedy.. its such a hard definition .. i feel i am the most greedy person in the world and the absolute to my greed is that end. i wait for that sweet nothingness where i have no pain, no worries, no debts no flaws, no need for amens. that is what being greedy is to me .. thinking so much of thine self as to take thy own life... "be greedy" is as much asking me to take my life as it is asking me to cast away those things i live for. so i sit and watch you people set up your camps and i watch as you try to tear me in every direction.

. . be greedy! means destroying everything and everyone as chaos dictates .. not from fear , not form discontent, but from pity, i pity that you can never know what the wounds i have suffered nor what world holds , you run form the simplest things i endure, you panic from the slightest flaws, your sheltered, your happy , and your a child, and that luxury was lost on me before i could have a single happy memory. depressing .. i look to all these things on tv that tell me im depressed, but the truth is like most people, i suffer from lack of happiness, i suffer from the idea that what i greedily want is unattainable, i am not depressed, i sse the commercials on tv that say , you need medication, i hear people saying that this generation of mine is simply self-medicating with drugs and booze because we are all depressed, i fear its the lack of balance to this life, the kind work and strive while the unkind reach and obtain more than ever imagined. this weighs heavy on my brow.

things tumble , and i give up oon catching them, the walls split between rage and and control, the roof shakes with my words as i say the things that i need to say, i find solitude surrounded by friends, they all scurry around looking to better themselvesthinking that i can and will protect them and make everything right, but i admit i am a sleep at my post. my mind grows werry of its vidul, and i find comfort in destruction. they look at evrything but me, for some, its new to see me act in such a violent way, for others they understand the calm choas to what im doing. they talk amongst themselves away from me. they say how worried they are, the fear im losing it, they are frightened, but all is well.for them violence needs to be forced, directed, or relaiated. none of them understand the restraint,. the need their resaons, their blame, i seen only a chance to act. my mind burns no more, the shattering sounds of plastic and metal breaking drowns out all the thoughts that devide my concentraion. i've been happy, painless, though things are falling to hell. the world seems to be spining and i find that i am more dedicated to my stasks. intelect spews from my mind to my fingers nd all things begin to fall together, while the brut sleeps inside

almost two years of effort and i over sleep at the wrong moment... as usaual i rise to the surface showing absolute skill and understanding, i impress all those who who supervise me, i show my skills and ability to lead and i turn the worst line in the building into the best and and most efficient one. you are quite the tame leader they say; though i don't truly work there. and then when they offer me the job they abpologize that they cant pay me more, "though you deserve to be rated as a team leader , becasue thats what you have been doing, we cant make you a team leader becasue your not lcn .. maybe in a few years though." fine i think, at least im getting almost two dollers more and hour. i see the smiles on the faces of everyone around me who feel lucky that theuy were called and offerd the job they have been doing for almost a year .. then i see those smiles torn from their sorry husks as their told that their not qualified. and i think of myself who intends to be around for only a bit more. this is not what i want ... and as soon as i can i'll cast this job off and gett a better one.

and further still, the world around me falls apart .. or closes in. i see trouble on he edges, i see what i want but it tares me in different directions. my job is meaning less if anything, but she is not . my band gets better and better every time were together, but were hardly able to be together. to day i beging to liik for another job in hopes that things will evolve ... and though i hope to have it all, i know something must give. thus is the mening of responsibility doing what needs to be done.i have heared that deamming is for the young, and getting older means acepting that some of those dream will never come true, but this does not mean i cant keep trying, i work hard and pay my bills i deserve to atleast try to suceed.

almost two years of effort and i over sleep at the wrong moment... as usaula i rise to the surface showing absolut skill and understanding, i impress all those who who suppervise me, i show my skills and ability to lead and i turn the worst line in the building into the best and and most efficent one. you afre quite the tame leader they say; though i don't truly work there. and then when they offer me the job they abpologize that they cant pay me more, "though you deserve to be rated as a team leader , becasue thats what you have been doing, we cant make tou a team leader becasue your not lcn .. maybe in a few years though." fine i think, at least im getting almost two dollers more and hour. i see the smiles on the faces of every one around me who feel lucky that theuy were called and ovverd the job they have been doing for almost a year .. then i see those smiles torn from their sorry husks as their told that their not qualified. and i think of myself who intends to be around for only a bit more. this is not what i want ... and as soon as i can i'll cast this job off and gett a better one.

and further still, the world around me falls apart .. or closes in. i see trouble on he edges, i see what i want but it tares me in different directions. my job is meaning less if anything, but she is not . my band gets better and better every time were together, but were hardly able to be together. to day i beging to liik for another job in hopes that things will evolve ... and though i hope to have it all, i know something must give. thus is the mening of responsibility doing what needs to be done.i have heared that deamming is for the young, and getting older means acepting that some of those dream will never come true, but this does not mean i cant keep trying, i work hard and pay my bills i deserve to atleast try to suceed.

recent mentioning have forced me to think of my father and the 5 years its been since i seen his face. huh the last time i seen him is when Dustin met him we graduated. he and i are so different he made his peace with me for never being a father and walking out when i was born, and i never had to ask him why, he was their but only in mention i guess. he sobbed as he apologized, and i was too emotionless to reply , the truck fell silent and he told me that he died every time i mentioned my stepfather as dad, but i could not feel sorry because he was, he and my uncle are the closest things i ever had to father. my real dad was a man that took my brother from time to time and left me with nothing, i mean how can a fun loving cowboy meet eye to eye with a dark and sad depressed kid like me, the key was my stepmother , i love and respect her more than anyone. truly she tried to get my dad and i to talk and she eased the pathway till he and i could relate. i remember that he told me he had to beat the arcade game HOUSE of the dead because killing zombies and monsters made him think of me and he figured id be proud if he killed them all, and to think of it i am. he never stopped me and said do this or be that. he simply said he was sorry, I'm so distant from every one that its hard to let anyone truly know everything about me so i show what they need to see for a time and i hide the rest, I'm sorry dad and dad I'm doing my best

I TRY and every thing falls apart .. i think i have somthing and it blows up in my face .. i work hard and float to the surface only to be scooped away to the trash .. i think about what i need and i strive for it only to have somthing apear that rips, i listen to my recordinghs and think "this is so bad!" i keep fearing that i can't make it better i desire to go to the studio now and mix and mix till its perfection, but i fear that the level i desire is out of all of our reach. then i think of her and i know that the things that i enjoy even when angry .. are things she cares little for .. and again i lose sleep thinking i have to do this or that, i have decided that for time .. for lack of effort ..and lack of ability im going to copout and go cheaply. i give up at least for now .. i know that i push too hard twrod my dreams and i push everything else too far away. i know and i understand .. you are the greatest thing to me .. imsorry

i sip my addiction in difiance of all those who say that they know me.. they know only fractions of a fracterd soul. the shattered reflective peices of a fragil sanity. the apperance is marred.. mucked in failed anticipation.. i reget nothing .. but i find myself retrospectivly daunted by failure. why do i get back up? how do i stand when my legs are broken? its becase i have to .. no one has and no one will do it for me. and so i trudge on .. persuing my hopes like a child with every muscle and every thought consumed.. but i find the world out of ballance and myself ocwadly one sidded i defeat.. i hate to admit it, but i see what others have and think why can i have the same.. thats a nice car why is mine a cheap wreck... why is it so easy for everyone else to get the things they want. "good things come for those who wait" but why is it the least deserving poeple wait the shortist time ..... but my complaints are simply that; complaints, complaints of a popper that desires to be spoiled and upset when he relizes that it will never happen ... and thus is my art .. sad attemps to reach out and grasp perfection, fame , glory .. or what ever it is that makes peole sit back and say i have a good life ... what makes the spoiled kids that made fun of my shaggy messed steal it and say that it is cool ... why is it somy\thing i like is spit on till i castit away .. then the world says it is perfection....WHY?... but that

You Are Creepy

Serial killers would run away from you in a flash.

the a moment and i am graved .. how is it that i try and help only to be toiled and tooled as a fool .. i help and when i need help i am shunned and betrayed by those who i have grown to depend on.. i'm happy for you .. i have bad days.. but alas it must mean i am mad .. well i'm not .. i feel as a failure does ..that i devote me myself and i to a cause only to find that it is only me myself and i alone .. on the battle field .. it must be my flaw that i think of all others before my self .. and the moment i look inward i get stabbed in the back .. .. i aid when asked for help .. i give when i see its needed .. but everyone else i find is out to get what they can for hemselves..that make me want to cry. and i, godless yet more human and compassionate than most in my moment of weakness look faithfully on those i need to support me.. and there are none .. only those that enrage and annoy.. is it me!? is my weight so that no one can support me .. i have taught you to forgive and to look past the most hideous acts in the name of love as you have reminded me .. but now it feels that because i am in turmoil you feel that the world is all about you.. and my outrage has everything to do with everything that happens to you.. i fear, not! .. my smile is hidden by heavy burdens and if you so call yourself friend you would know to take me at my word and leave you uneducated opinions of what i may or may not think in your empty head... friend, if that be your name? ask.. and i will confide that my woes are more worrisome and bare more weight than your child like spine can bare ... you are weak and cannot take the strains i have had to ... do not say that i hate the things i helped time and time again to repair .. if you feel that i am mad then ask me .. and i will tell you the truth .. and it is, that i was not.. grow up!

i look out and see all things passing by.. i feel lost and still yet hopefull i think of all the things i have seen and the things i hope to see .. but on the edge of this i am reminded that to be young is to dream.. and the grow up is accepting that those dreams may never happen... forgiveness is devine and the happness is the unexamined life... maybe next time

i walk alone and i dream of you .. like a solder wounded, i bleed, as phantoms speak... i weep ..but can i love you .. i need to love you .. so this flesh don't grey .. the tears wash away .. some say .. i found you but sorrow holds me..kisses my cheak and consoles me

I wither ...
we todder...
words of hate thrown as fodder
back and forth
in a child's playground
i stand alone...
crying in side
though my face is stone

i want to..
. can't reach you..
my wandering thoughts beseech you
the reasons... are treason...
this time i fell undone

everything there is gone
why must i linger on...
in sickness and betrayal
why so destined to fail ..
a popper just hopeful
worried afraid and woeful

i want to..
. can't reach you..
my wandering thoughts beseach you
the reasons... are treason...


distracted and ill
bitter and lacked in will
all we had was unmade
in his hands all life laid
friend... kin... betrayed

Have you come to bury Caesar? ...brother? because fatal wounds are like angel kisses compares to this strain on my heart... i am a fool who failed to fool himself with the hope of forgiveness... tears are are proof that i am once again losing faith... faith i had in you. and now words are and will never be enough ... for i am broken. i told her she was a liar because i so believed in you ... all i ever wanted was tore from me in an instant as i was robbed of the things i so desired and needed. liar i said ... to the one who i care so much for ... and it was truth ... i cried as you fell out of grace. she knew how i looked at you ..as family ..and friend... and she knew that the truth would kill me.In the moment it did. for the first tile i held my breath not because i wanted to, but because it was taken from me. My thoughts sickened me. I wanted to kill you, to harm you, i wanted to take everything away from you... but i could do none of this because i never hated you. i hated myself for ever trusting you. i gave forth my last gesture as a begotten brother... i talked to the one you love.... not to cripple your future but tyring to ensure a second chance for you. jealousy has no place, i have not and and will not steal from you... those thoughts are petty. To love and trust in brotherhood he who you can lend or even give your life for... that ... that at its source is truly the most pure kinship. worth is not what you can do or how well you do it .. believe me...worth is dependability, reliance, assurance: and your worth to me was more than anything. i called you brother because i loved you as such .. i let the two of you alone because i trusted you as such... and now i fear for it... be hold my weakness; a paper heart, too delicate to use and to difficult to mend... i cry to think of you poorly and i cry to think that for a moment she chose you over me. i resent you and i grieve to see the looks in your eyes ... but i can not repay you.. i could never betray you ... because i cant hate you..

like a moth to flame i look at her ...the girl i desired, as the woman i love/ed, the the wife i can't marry... she tells me that it just that he's someone new ... no other reasons , and still she asks me what his intentions are... i don't know! i can't know!... because i could never be like that ... i could never act as he has ... i have gladly given up so much in hopes that when she was ready we could live life wild and spontaneous... together... but alas the joke was on me ... when she was ready she let me go... she appears before me womanly and sexy, her eyes glow and sparkle in emerald... and i realize shes how beautiful and tan she is the way her hips catch show just below her shirt ... the way she smiles when she sees me .. my bitterness seeps away and i glow with all the passion I've held for her in passing months. i place my hands in my pockets so i can't touch her... but i want to... she wraps her arms around her at first i think shes cold but i realize its the same reasons i have fighting the urge to touch... we walk and talk.. and find our selves looking at and liking the same things.. we smile laughing at the similarities... till we reach the theater... we stand in line as i reach for cash i lean and twist and realize that our faces are so close that i want to kiss her .."yes" she whispers and i cant tell what she means.... yes as kiss me? or did she think i wanted to say something...an instant feels like hour till the line moves forward and we stand at the booth to pay for our tickets.
we watch the movie or hands clasped like we were still in love... we leave after the movie and we drive to a park and talk as friends... or at least i hope friends.
i looked at her and everything felt right ... ever thing was perfect... i just wanted to die